Workday Taxes and Fair Fines

Speaker 1 0:17

Hello Adam, how are you?

Speaker 2 0:18

doing.

Speaker 1 0:19

Hello Scott, I'm doing well. Welcome to the podcast this week Welcome welcome. The podcast called Solutions from the Multiverse. Of course SFM.

Speaker 2 0:31

My name is.

Speaker 1 0:32

Scott Maupin.

Speaker 2 0:33

And I'm Adam Browse. And we are the Bim, bim, bim Brothers Every week we come and share with you a totally unheard of solution to the world's problems right, and anytime someone has a good idea, we hear noises in the background.

Speaker 1 0:49

Wait, what was that?

Speaker 2 0:51

oh, that's when we have bad ideas.

Speaker 1 0:53

That's the bad, bad ideas get the first sound and then a gong.

Speaker 2 0:56

What does the gong do?

Speaker 1 0:58

a gong means dinner's ready I hope.

Speaker 2 1:00

I hope. Good that's, I hope, if I hear a large symbol playing.

Speaker 1 1:03

I hope it means that there's some food somewhere, because I want some so, scott, I've got, I've got solutions today I think we gotta do.

Speaker 2 1:17

I think we gotta do a couple of them okay, you're gonna.

Speaker 1 1:20

You got your double, double barreled on us today.

Speaker 2 1:23

Double barrel okay, first one. I think we might have talked about this before work day fines. Work day fines yeah, so like you take the amount of income that someone's makes a year.

Speaker 1 1:38

Okay you divide it by dollars. What?

Speaker 2 1:40

yeah, and then you yeah, and then you divide that by then you divide that by the number of days you work in a year, which is like two thousand right isn't that right? No, no, that's too many that's how many hours you work two thousand days in a year, that's really 200 people work like 200 days a year. So you divide it by 200 and then that's the fine. So, for example, if you like park your car in the wrong place, you get maybe it's a, maybe it's a half day.

Speaker 2 2:04

Fine, right instead of saying you may, it's a fine for this many dollars for everyone. It's like no, no, no, it's a half day, fine, and then everybody's days are calculated when they do taxes the year before and then that determines their fines, that they have to pay the rest for the rest of the year okay.

Speaker 1 2:23

So me, tiger woods and I are racing our cars on the highway and we both get pulled over for speeding yeah, his his. You're saying his ticket is going to be much higher than mine because way higher his per day. Yeah. So say you're much higher than say say you're speeding just a little bit and it's a quarter let's say it's a quarter day fee, because yeah because you, you know, you find, you know if you're like, if you've got like, if you've got like no money.

Speaker 2 2:48

Yeah, they're gonna put a minimum. Like you know, if you're poor, it'll be like 50 bucks, which actually might be a lot for you, because you sure don't have 50 bucks right, yeah yeah, but it won't be like 300 bucks for you and 300 bucks for tagger woods.

Speaker 2 3:01

It'll be like 50 bucks for the person with no money and it'll be like half a million bucks for somebody who makes like 200 bucks, 200 million dollars, a year. Yeah, they'd have to pay like half a million bucks for. For for a half day, fine, or a quarter day, fine right so. So it gets way higher because it's based on days of work rather than money, so it's still equal.

Speaker 2 3:21

So that's the thing I like to say people say it would not be good if you said we're going to charge rich people more and poor people less. It's like, no, we're charging everyone the same. Well, it's a quarter day or a half day or one day or five days and if you go into, if you go to court and they need to put a big fine on you or a big bail, you could use this for bail too.

Speaker 2 3:43

Right the bail is set at 10 days of your work, right? So a very wealthy person, 10 days would be like $200,000, but a very poor person, 10 days would be like 200, about $200. They don't make any money, you know, and and so you could actually set all kinds of things bails, fines, everything could all be set based on days, and it would be equal.

Speaker 1 4:04

It would. I mean honestly another thing. I don't know if this is part of it, but I feel like right now the structure is that a lot of times law enforcement goes after low hanging fruit and not after, like some of the higher harder low-hanging fruit and not after, like some of the higher harder. It's like I don't want to tango with the powerful people who could like make problems for me, but I don't mind hassling these skateboarders you know what I mean.

Speaker 2 4:31

Like I'll spend my time doing that right when.

Speaker 1 4:33

But if they got a bigger payout, yeah, and I, I don't want to, I don't want to incentivize it like they're bounty hunters trying to get the biggest whale.

Speaker 2 4:42

Well, they kind of are.

Speaker 1 4:45

But to reverse the incentive some way where it's like yeah maybe get the big people who are doing massive amounts of damage behind closed doors and just protected by their office.

Speaker 2 4:59

Get those people, oh, that's a good point. Office Get those people, that's a good point.

Speaker 1 5:04

There's less of an incentive in. We're going to get all these graffiti artists. I'm like, cool, what are you going to get? $10 for me, yeah exactly.

Speaker 2 5:11

It's going to be like $50 fines from each person. That's like nothing. But if you go after someone who fences electronics and they fill an entire shipping container every week with electronics that were stolen you get that guy. Oh my god, it's gonna be off the charts. You know, I guess you'd have to somehow work out people who have informal, informal income, right?

Speaker 1 5:33

so if their income isn't on their taxes like they're criminal well that's, they have a whole like I mean, that's what the wire like. There's investigative units who right put on, say I don't know what the state of it is anymore, but like supposedly back on. Which is like what? This idea that, like, everyone kind of pays a sliding scale and the rich people pay more? What if we did that on like I don't know taxes?

Speaker 2 6:10

well, we do that on taxes already, but we don't do it like we don't do it the same, we don't do it very well people.

Speaker 1 6:16

yeah, people get, we do it some, but like there's a a status above which you don't really have to start paying that proportional chunk. You're just kind of like I don't know, I have money people that do the money stuff and I get my tax breaks and we do our stuff offshore and it works out pretty well.

Speaker 2 6:36

What was the Donald Trump tax return where he paid?

Speaker 1 6:37

like $0 one year because of reported losses. Oh yeah, it's absurd. You're just like that makes a lot of reporting.

Speaker 2 6:41

Oh yeah, it's absurd. Yeah, it's absurd.

Speaker 1 6:42

You're just like that makes a lot of sense. I've never had a zero dollars year ever.

Speaker 2 6:47

You haven't, Scott. You've never had a zero dollar tax year.

Speaker 1 6:50

I don't think so Not that I can remember.

Speaker 2 6:53

I mean, everybody has a right to pay as little taxes as they can. I guess.

Speaker 1 6:57

Sure.

Speaker 2 6:57

But the, but the. Yeah, I mean, there's really egregious things like the carried interest tax, but it does seem to benefit the carried interest tax loop is like a crazy private equity tax loophole that just is there and everyone knows it's there, everyone knows that if you just closed it it would be like fair, and just nobody does it. It's like, oh my God.

Speaker 1 7:17

Yeah, okay, but I got you sidetracked on taxes. We were talking about fines. No, no, I think you're right.

Speaker 2 7:22

You could maybe do something around this that way Workday taxes instead of workday fines, because people always complain about like rich people complain about the progressive taxation. They're like I'm paying so much more of my income. Of course they have more, but if you said no, you're actually paying exactly the same amount of income because everyone pays 30 days of taxes a year or whatever it is 50 days of taxes. That would be interesting because then it'd be boiling. It'd be like no, we have a flat tax, everyone pays 50 days a year.

Speaker 2 7:54

So, your days is more than another person's day because you make more in that day.

Speaker 1 7:59

All right. So now I'm in a world where we have workday fines and my fine is less because I make less and my friend's fine is more because he makes more. But what I'm starting to wonder is how can we pay the same price for like eggs? Because, like, if I make less?

Speaker 2 8:18

why wouldn't I-? Shouldn't eggs be less? Shouldn't eggs be on a Shouldn't I pay less and he pay more? But the eggs cost a certain amount to the person selling you the eggs, it's true. So as long as we cover that, yeah but there's also profit involved.

Speaker 1 8:32

Shouldn't, how would? I'm not saying it should be, but I'm saying how would you? Explain to me why it's not reasonable for me to expect the store that I'm shopping for to make less profit off of me and more profit off of a wealthier person.

Speaker 2 8:45

Scott, this already exists. It's called organic eggs.

Speaker 1 8:51

You just buy the same eggs, different container.

Speaker 2 8:54

Basically the same eggs. Eggs are eggs. I mean there's not a big difference between organic eggs and non-organic eggs.

Speaker 1 8:59

I don't know, man, If you had an egg from like a fresh farm egg those things are different they are so rich.

Speaker 2 9:06

Yes, yeah, I mean I Is that the case with organic too? I don't know.

Speaker 1 9:09

I don't think it's all the same, but like I'm talking, like the person walks outside gets the egg comes back inside this is there's.

Speaker 2 9:20

No, they've been eating worms out there. This is, yeah, running around hunting and pecking and stuff you have six chickens, not 60,000.

Speaker 1 9:27

And you know it seems to work better. It's less efficient, but yeah, the product. Yeah, Anyway, Eggs I'm now hungry I will talk about don't get me sidetracked on food because I'm hungry so like I'll just have extended conversations on any food item what's your favorite food item?

The Empty Needle Concept

Speaker 2 9:46

pizza, scott, you love pizza, I do I haven't had pizza in so long.

Speaker 1 9:50

What's your?

Speaker 2 9:50

go-to pizza that you like to eat I had pizza last night.

Speaker 1 9:54

It was in a theater, it was pepperoni pizza and I was not happy about it because it was not.

Speaker 2 9:59

Pizza is not gonna be.

Speaker 1 9:59

It was not that good but I was watching, watching Furiosis, so I was having a good time. Yeah, that's nice.

Speaker 2 10:05

Should I do another solution? Let's do what's the other one. Okay, this is called the empty needle, the empty needle.

Speaker 1 10:13

Yeah, okay, needle is in.

Speaker 2 10:16

This may sound crazy, but Syringe needles, as in tattoo needle, tattoo needle. So this is a place where you can go and you can get invisible tattoos. It's just the pain of getting a tattoo, okay okay, all right so the tattoo? So they're happening.

Speaker 1 10:40

They're jamming you with the needle, but there's no ink going in, so when it heals it'll just be nothing, nothing yeah okay, this is called the empty needle, and there is no way, adam before we get way into this, let's just give listeners because they can't see us the total. The total of tattoos on your body would be okay, and also me. The total is zero. So, combined, the two of us have a total of zero tattoos yeah so zero on zero here we go, now let's let's talk about tattoos.

Speaker 2 11:10

So, yeah, this is definitely yeah, right, we're not the p. Are you saying we're not the people to be talking about this? No, I'm here we go, now let's talk about tattoos. So, yeah, this is definitely yeah, right. Are you saying we're not the people to be talking about this? No, I'm saying I don't understand, no, no, no, I don't understand. I may not understand all the appeal of the tattoo, so I don't understand how it works. I agree.

Speaker 1 11:27

I won't be able to check you on this From, and me neither. You have free right, no I don't have free reign. I'm saying with the greatest, the greatest, uh, ignorance here you said you're the greatest tattoo expert in the entire history of the world.

Speaker 2 11:38

I don't know what I'm talking about, but I but it's an interesting idea. So the idea is there's two things that happen when you get a tattoo. Yeah, there's the ink itself and the artwork, and there's the pain of getting a tattoo, the experience of getting a tattoo, which itself is a of experience, and I've talked to multiple people who have lots of tattoos who have told me that they are not. They are addicted to getting tattoos or they like getting tattoos, in large part because of the experience of getting a tattoo, not because they always get ink on their skin later that they can then look at and enjoy oh, I have this art on my body but actually the actual process of going and having someone inflict safe and severe, but safe and manageable levels of pain to your body to them actually is a positive experience and I can understand that.

Speaker 2 12:38

I can sort of understand that.

Speaker 1 12:41

As a person who does jujitsu, I cannot understand that whatsoever.

Speaker 2 12:48

No, you can't. No, no, you must be able to understand that, yeah, yeah. So I asked my brother and my dad, who are both psychiatrists. I asked them what do you guys think of this? This idea, the empty needle, a pain clinic place, a place where you go and just receive?

Speaker 1 12:58

pain, quick pause. The number of tattoos on your brother and father zero, okay. So we're still at zero.

Speaker 2 13:03

Okay, we're still at zero but they're psychiatrists, so they have you know, this is like a question of sort of, and my brother was like. My brother was like no, this is horrible. You're just going to get a bunch of like people who are, like you know, cutting themselves and they're gonna come in and this is gonna be like legal self-harm and this is bad. You know, he was like this is not good it does.

Speaker 1 13:22

I thought was a little bit over.

Speaker 2 13:23

I thought that was a little bit sensational.

Speaker 1 13:24

I was like I don't think that's what's gonna happen. I don't know, but it does seem like the the same risk of infection still exists, like you'd have to take care of it afterward the same way, because you'd still have a wound.

Speaker 2 13:37

Yeah, you'd still have a wound, yeah, okay, but that's all manageable, that's all a thing. People know how to do that, okay. But my dad, on the other hand, was like. He was like yeah, this makes sense.

Speaker 2 13:49

He was like, yeah, people he was especially, he went down an anthropological route. He was like if you people he was especially, he kind of went down like an anthropological route. He was like if you look at anthropological record of human cultures across the world throughout history, almost all of them have some kind of pain ritual like scarring or tattooing actually in the Polynesian you know where tattoos were invented, but like scarring, or you know branding, or like you know bleeding, you know cutting and letting the blood you know go into whatever the flames or whatever it is.

Speaker 1 14:22

And and he said or just like you have to go at some sort of pain initiation into adulthood and even if it's not a physical, if it's like you have to go out into the wilderness for you know 10 days and don't come back, and if you're surviving, you come. Yeah right that's a different kind of, but you're still subjecting them to a pain.

Speaker 2 14:41

That right circumcision you might do adult circumcision, you might do all kinds of things you might do a wrestle might do a fight, might be something that's painful, and my so. My dad was like that would be like a modern, controlled, safe, clinical way to give people the ability to carefully inflict ritualistic pain on themselves, and I was like this is awesome, somebody's got to make this. Somebody's got to make the empty needle. Preston Pyshko, you could call it. What could you call?

Speaker 1 15:13

it's got to make the empty needle. You could call it um. What could you call? You could call it, the empty needle hyper acup hyper acupuncture, acupuncture now if you take this idea, you know that. Okay, so follow me, I'm not super into the needle idea, but so keep the, keep the, the vibrating, stabbing motion, right, yeah, all right and then now take that needle and replace it with, let's say, like a rubber, a rubberized round ball. Okay, and then you can use that on your shoulders.

Speaker 2 15:44

This is a theragun. Yeah, it's a theragun. I'm just adding a theragun. Yeah, that seems like way. Oh no, it's a pop. It's a successful business.

Speaker 1 15:51

You're right, the theragun but I like the it saws all with a with a doorstop on it. I heard.

Speaker 2 15:57

I heard a. I heard a sad story of a uh or no. Was it from a movie? No, it was a movie, it was a show, and the woman had like these, these, like tattoos, and she would do a new, a new little flower every time time she killed someone or something like an assassin or something.

Speaker 1 16:16

I'm happy this is a show and not someone you know in real life.

Speaker 2 16:18

Or like no, I knew a guy in real life who, when his son passed, away who got a tattoo every time he killed someone?

Speaker 1 16:23

Yeah, no, his son passed away.

Speaker 2 16:24

It was very sad His son passed away and his son was really into tattoos.

Speaker 2 16:29

And when his son passed away, the dad went and got like a half sleeve, a beautiful half sleeve done in memoriam of his son.

Speaker 2 16:39

And that's not a rare thing for people to get tattoos when they're grieving and you might just say, well, it's just symbolic, it's just to remember his son. But there's another side to it, which is actually the pain of the tattoo can actually be therapeutic for the grief, and that's not entirely understood, but it's certainly a pattern that you recognize if you look at this behavior, and so it's an interesting thing. Like well, could you then? Does that mean someone could say, you know, hey, I'm struggling with grief and I'm working with a therapist or a grief counselor, and they could say I prescribed to you to go to the pain clinic to the empty needle and actually receive pain on your, you know, on your back or on your you know someplace where it wouldn't show on your butt or something, or on your foot if you really wanted a lot of pain, you know, or on your calf, and then the patient would go is this really going to work, doc?

Speaker 2 17:36

And it's like maybe it would. I mean, this is like more. Like you know, we're generating a hypothesis, not a conclusion, but you know, maybe is that like a thing in the future, like actually prescribing pain in order to like cope with other emotional problems.

Speaker 1 17:49

Yeah, I mean we prescribe pain with physical therapy, essentially no.

Speaker 2 17:54

What your physical therapist hurt you. My physical therapists feel good to go to. They massage and stretch.

Speaker 1 18:02

It does feel good, but also depending on your injury. Part of it is pushing your range of motion or pushing yourself outside of your. Again, this is exercise as pain. Again, this is exercise as pain. It's in service of a good thing, but it's painful to rehabilitate injuries sometimes. I'm familiar with that yeah yeah, no, you're right.

Speaker 2 18:24

I mean, there is some pain, although I think people would say that pain is not to cause the healing right, no it's just a byproduct of the process, but there might be a way that, for example, like a young person, you're saying it's, it is the pain itself, yeah, yeah, like young people coming of age might actually need a stressful, painful situation to come of age like it seems like human beings just need to get stuck with needles more.

Speaker 1 18:52

That's what I'm saying.

Speaker 2 18:53

They go and get tattoos. A lot, a lot of people are like I can't wait until I'm 18. I'm going to get a tattoo. It's a coming of age, but it's also really painful and so, in a way, it's like I went through that pain. I experienced that pain and, anthropologically speaking, coming of age ceremonies might include a kind of painful or difficult, stressful situation, but then you don't have to mark your body. If you could do the pain clinic you know the empty needle you could say, yeah, I'm coming of age and my mom got me a, a whole pain clinic. You know I'm gonna go into the pain clinic every day, for, you know, every other week for the next three weeks, because I'm gonna I gotta get my pain.

Speaker 1 19:31

I think I prefer the miley cyrus coming of age ritual um more than this one I haven't tried this one what is molly cyrus's. What is that? Oh, that's the one where you get naked and you hang on a wrecking ball and you like oh, and you that's coming of age, uh-huh, that's when you want to go from being a child into being an adult. You. Is that what the song's?

Speaker 2 19:50

about. I thought it was. I came in like a wrecking ball. Isn't that about being over into a guy?

Speaker 1 19:57

Yeah, but I'm just saying, the concept of her doing that was like hey, I'm not a kid anymore, now I'm an adult, I'm naked hanging on this thing swinging around. So, I'm not the Disney star anymore. Think of me differently.

Speaker 2 20:11

I think that was her announcement.

Speaker 1 20:14

Oh, interesting, think of me differently.

Speaker 2 20:15

I think that was her announcement oh, that's when she did that.

Speaker 1 20:17

Oh interesting Part of that she's like Sort of a debutante. Yes, nudity debutante.

Speaker 2 20:19

Also, that song slaps, so it's cool it does slap. That's a really good song, yeah, yeah, I think this could be used. So when I say coming of age, maybe a therapist who's dealing with a teenager who has like depression like teenage angst, slash depression anxiety. Maybe it's like, okay, well, I'm going to prescribe this. You know you have to go to the pain clinic. You know if you agree, you know you don't have to. But if you agree to. You know we've seen successes with the pain clinic.

The Fart-Free Bean Revolution

Speaker 1 20:47

So, go and get like 45 minutes of pain every Thursday for the next couple weeks and let's see if that improves your anxiety and depression I don't know, if I don't know, if this would, I don't know either, but maybe it would, maybe, maybe it would, you know that same brother.

Speaker 2 21:08

That same brother who said your brother this is, yeah, the same brother who said this is not going to work. This is just going to get a bunch of people cutting themselves and it's bad and don't do this.

Speaker 1 21:17

Dr Justin Marchegiani. He has a point.

Speaker 2 21:19

Dr Tim Jackson. Yeah, I mean he has a point, he's a trained psychiatrist and he should at least take it what he says into account. But another thing that he told me at a different time was he said that essentially all medication is just irritants to your body. Like Tylenol is just a chemical irritant to the part of your brain that feels pain and it sort of, because it irritates it, your body sort of overcompensates to kind of get rid of the irritation and that gets rid of the pain. And it's kind of like all medications, like that, pretty much all medication is just an irritant Tricking your body.

Speaker 2 21:51

To a certain thing, and then the body sort of responds to the irritation and that sort of creates, whatever the effect is, and so you know. So he's not totally against the idea that the human body might actually respond positively to stressors. You know, we're anti-fragile, right, we become stronger by being stressed. We don't become weaker by being stressed. We become strong. If too stressed, we can get weaker, we get injured. But if you just stress the human body just enough in the right way, it actually responds very positively. That's the play.

Speaker 1 22:21

That's actually how you get stronger, right, you break down a limited amount of your body in a specific way and then I don't know if you're- looking at me right, scott, right now scott.

Speaker 2 22:30

But I know, okay, I know how to get strong. That's how I got all of these muscles. I'm very scrawny to everyone no, that's not true.

Speaker 1 22:45

I didn't have any, I go to.

Speaker 2 22:47

I've been going to CrossFit recently and, like everyone like there's like a there's like a fort. No, I go to a different one. There's a for everyone who doesn't know I was banned. I was banned from the local crossfit gym but I go to. There's another one like three blocks away from that one.

Speaker 1 23:01

Do you have to put on a disguise, do you? Are you wearing a mustache?

Speaker 2 23:04

I wear a disguise. When you go to the you're like hello, I am. I am nice to meet you. I'm hercule, I'm her'm Hercule, pierre, pierre, hercule, yeah, no, no, I go to the one down the road. It's way nicer. I like it way better. But yeah, I've been doing that weightlifting I literally, like the 14-year-old teenagers lift more than me. The 60-year-old women all lift more than me. Like everyone lifts more than me. It, the 60-year-old women all live more than me.

Speaker 1 23:35

Like everyone lives more than me. It's crazy. I'm like so weak. They're beasts. I don't understand it sometimes. It's awesome that happens at jujitsu. Sometimes, too, like a little person, I'm like how are you so strong?

Speaker 2 23:44

I don't understand, but okay.

Speaker 1 23:47

We'll go with it.

Speaker 2 23:48

Yeah, should I do a third? Do we have time for a third solution? Do we have time for?

Speaker 1 24:01

a third. What if I just said nope, and then we just roll?

Speaker 2 24:03

the music. Wait, what is that music?

Speaker 1 24:10

I was doing the Curb your Enthusiasm. Yeah, that'd be a good idea. All right, give me one more. Give me a quick one. Okay, one more.

Speaker 2 24:18

We should genetically modify and create the fart-free bean.

Speaker 1 24:26

What the?

Speaker 2 24:27

fart-free bean the fart-free bean. So beans I always talk to a lot of people about this Beans are like the best food humans can eat.

Speaker 1 24:35

They're like protein, yeah, they're like fiber and there's so many varieties and they taste all different. They taste different, they taste good. They have this fleshy, delicious flavor.

Speaker 2 24:44

You could mash them up, you can mix them with stuff, you can spice them every different way. You can do barbecue you. You can do jerk beans. You can do all these things, everything's. You can put them in soup, you can put them everywhere. You can put with rice, you can put them with bread, you can put them with every. They're delicious beans. But but I've talked to a lot of people about this because beans are so great and they say fart, they make you fart. And everyone's like I don't want to eat beans because make me fart. Right, if I eat a steak, I'm not going to be all farty if and if I eat, you know, I, you know. So I don't want to eat beans and so I'm like well, shit, this is the 21st century man, we got science, we got to figure out how to get the farts.

Speaker 1 25:17

So we're trying to get the seedless watermelon. We got the seedless watermelon corks tell me more corks, just butt corks. Yeah, no, no, because the pressure, the pressure will build up so much that the courts will fly out ricochet all around.

Speaker 2 25:32

That's a bad kind of pew, pew, pew Wag somebody in the head. So we have the seedless watermelon already. We came up with that 10 decades ago.

Speaker 1 25:42

Figured it out.

Speaker 2 25:43

Okay, now they're trying to come up with the seedless mango. They already did make some of it. Someone just told me they tried a seedless mango.

Speaker 1 25:49

Okay, I don't know what it's in the middle of that thing, it's just mango, all the way through Nothing.

Speaker 2 25:53

What you just cut straight through, it's all. Mango, that's magical.

Speaker 1 25:56

Okay.

Speaker 2 25:56

Now they're trying to create the seedless avocado. Oh, interesting, sure, all weird things, but all these things are like dude, this is nothing. Get the fart out of the bean. If you could get the fart out of the bean, if you could make the fart free bean, you would be overnight billionaire. Overnight because you'd have a patent right, because you could really control it. You know, you could say all the beans that are far free, I get all of, I get a fraction of that. I licensed that out to people.

Speaker 1 26:21

Monsanto is going to right. They're going to get a fraction of that I. I licensed that out to people.

Speaker 2 26:26

Right, they're gonna have the right. That chain of amino acids that creates the fun santo, let's do this. Get in there fart free.

Speaker 1 26:30

Get in bed with monsanto.

Speaker 2 26:31

Business-wise that sounds whatever I mean, you know, as long as you do, what are you broken? Clock is right twice a day. If they made the fart free bean, all everything else is forgotten have the current fart beans caused you much trauma in your life?

Speaker 1 26:44

it sounds like.

Speaker 2 26:45

I mean, everyone enjoys their own brand, Scott, everyone enjoys their own brand.

Speaker 1 26:51

So if you get the fart-free bean, you're also going to have to do some branding work. By the way, speaking of enjoying your own brand. There is a very famous rhyme that you're going to have to rewrite.

Speaker 2 27:04

Musical Fruit yes, okay, because now it's. How does this get?

Speaker 1 27:08

reworked Well, now it has to be Beans Beans the Silent Lagoon.

Speaker 2 27:13

The more you eat. That's not really as good, it's just. Also it sounds like that famous book, the Silent Lagoon.

Speaker 1 27:21

That's a famous book.

Speaker 2 27:22

Isn't that a book about a mysterious island, I don't know, the Silent Lagoon. I have not heard of this. It sounds like it would be. Well, now it's about a bean the Silent Lagoon.

Speaker 1 27:33

Yes.

Speaker 2 27:35

So beans, beans, the musical fruit, oh wait, no Beans. Beans, the Silent Lagoon. The more you eat them, the more you consume.

Speaker 1 27:44

I mean legume. The more you eat them, the more you consume. I mean, that's just facts, horrifying. That's just facts. Yeah, this is just that's just true, straight facts. It's a truism the more you eat, the more you eat. Okay, so I think you did it.

Speaker 2 27:52

I think you did it. I think you're done. We're done. How do you know what I? But what I'm foreseeing is a future in which children don't associate farts with beans. They won't even understand why that existed. They'll be like Father. Father, I don't understand that rhyme. Why did you sing that song when you were a boy? And I'll be like when I was a lad laddie.

Developing a Defart Bean Solution

Speaker 1 28:17

Several of these movies from the 1980s have jokes that just don't make sense anymore. Yeah, what they were eating beans, then they farted. I mean farts will still exist.

Speaker 2 28:26

We're not living a fart-free world. That's another brave new world that I cannot conceive of. But a fart-free bean, scott, a fart-free bean, this is what we aspire to.

Speaker 1 28:36

I'm not a food scientist, is this a matter of? I'm breeding the plant, generation by generation, to create a different strain of bean. You?

Speaker 2 28:46

could do it that way, or am.

Speaker 1 28:46

I like treating the beans in like some sort of a juice.

Speaker 2 28:50

That defart oh like a defart juice. You know what I mean.

Speaker 1 28:54

Like a wash. Okay, so there's three options.

Speaker 2 28:56

Okay, selective breeding, which is the one you just mentioned. Sure, the other one you mentioned, which is like a treatment, of the beans. Okay, wait do a treatment to remove the fart?

Speaker 1 29:05

so should I guess the third option can I option? You can try, it's corks no, corks, no, we can't.

Speaker 2 29:12

Uninsurable idea, I thought the third idea is like a really, really, um, scientific genetic manipulation. Like you find the exact gene that produces the fart, I see, and then you just defartify the bean by changing that one gene or those few genes.

Speaker 1 29:28

You reach inside With, like CRISPR, you can use CRISPR. You reach inside the, yeah, the ribosome yeah, and you're like this is the locus of the fart, the fart locus. Okay. So which one are we going to do, because I don't know how. What does so?

Speaker 2 29:44

what about? A bean causes farts? I mean people would just say, well, it's just fiber. But that's not true, because if I eat a full glass, like a full dose of, like psyllium husk fiber, I don't get all farty.

Speaker 1 29:55

So it's not that understanding is there's some complex chains of different proteins in the bean that take longer to break down. That's the locus of the fart. We got to get rid of those complex chains. Exactly. They take longer to break down, which is why, if you soak your beans, you might get less of that if you wash them or rinse them differently.

Speaker 2 30:15

People all have different methodologies that they have, that they say, but that's not enough.

Speaker 1 30:21

But my understanding is it goes and so in your intestines it's still breaking down, which means it's still emitting gas, which means you fart because it's doing that later in the process, Right.

Speaker 2 30:32

So we need scientists to figure out what those are and then selectively crisp them out that those don't exist. The beans might change, the texture might change a little bit or the casings may change.

Speaker 1 30:44

What if they're more delicious? Huh, there you go. What if they become? Could be an improvement Also.

Speaker 2 30:49

I bet there's very and there's so many different types of beans, there's got to be variation in the fart coefficient. That's the FC you've got. So for each bean there's going to be an FC and uh-huh. And then you got to find the beans at the lowest fc and see what's going on, put them in a mass spectrometer, blast them, figure out what, what, what electrons, you know what valences are there the scientists doing this research?

Speaker 1 31:14

I'm so sorry for you.

Speaker 2 31:15

No no, this is a good sign. There are scientists making this seedless watermelon. That's, who cares seedless scientists.

Speaker 1 31:21

It's fun to spit watermelon seeds.

Speaker 2 31:23

That's one of the fun when I a child, one of my greatest memories of the summer was to eat watermelon and spit watermelon seeds. It was fun, it was like a game, and now they got rid of that.

Speaker 1 31:32

Okay, that doesn't sound fun. Scientists spend so much time trying to get rid of a perfectly harmless thing.

Speaker 2 31:45

So now of spitting seeds you get measuring farts Still sound. So fun.

Speaker 1 31:46

I'm talking about the scientist who has to conduct this research.

Speaker 2 31:48

I see, I was thinking about the end goal. You were talking about the process. You were talking about the means.

Speaker 1 31:54

I'm saying the lab assistant who has to be like. All right, sir, come on into the fart chamber please, they don't have to manually check the farts.

Speaker 2 32:02

They can just attach an apparatus and the apparatus can just. You know, it's like a little. It's like a little reverse gas mask well, no, it can just be like a little, um, like, a little, uh like a little uh, propeller thing. And then every time you fart it pushes the propeller a certain amount and that's how you measure a tiny wind turbine, because well, here's okay, now this gets. Exactly Wait okay, so if we're going to do that, if we're going to do that, then we need to connect those wires.

Speaker 2 32:28

With the cork first. You can cork it at the tube, that's true, but we got to connect those wires to some sort of a battery so we can store the energy that these farts create Because if we're spinning a turbine, oh, okay, well, I guess we'll just use a laser to cut down to the center of the earth instead.

Speaker 1 32:44

That was a good solution. We talked about that last time. I'm trying to get fart powers.

Speaker 2 32:50

Quazeterra, so wait. What this brings up, though, is wait, wait, wait, wait. This is an important question. What if we actually need two fart coefficients? We need the fart.

Speaker 1 33:02

Don't laugh. This is important.

Speaker 2 33:06

I've always felt like I needed to fart. This is important. If you could give people to eat beans, that would drastically. This is a climate change solution.

Speaker 1 33:10

I live by myself, bro. I eat beans all the time. What are we talking about?

Speaker 2 33:13

Well, the rest of us. We can't blow the doors off of our house because other people are here, so we need to do both smell and quantity of farts, because smell is far worse than quantity. Right, if you just fart a lot but it doesn't smell at all, who cares? Yeah, you can fart all day long.

Speaker 1 33:32

I mean, it's only if you're quiet about it, but if you're talking like protein shake, farts those are crazy.

Speaker 2 33:38

You know I can fix those. You know what's causing that Maltodextrin. Okay, oh it's the sugar. Well, not a sugar, it's called maltodextrin. It's an additive. It's a starch. It's an artificial starch. That's actually a waste product of other production processes. But they put it into food because people think you can eat it, but it actually destroys your microbiome. So if you go get a protein powder that has no maltodextrin, destroys your microbiome. So if you go get a protein powder that has no maltodextrin, your protein farts will go away.

Speaker 2 34:06

Okay, I solved it see, I'm defarting this, I'm a d fart, I'm a d farting a machine.

Speaker 1 34:12

I'm also farting.

Speaker 2 34:13

I'm a farting machine and a deep farting machine we are, we are, but are we not?

The Evolution of Farts

Speaker 1 34:18

but, uh, quandaries, what is that? Oh man, I'm just reaching for a word I can't get we're, we're, uh, oh, I am uh. Contradictions, yeah, I contradict myself self manifold I'll pull it as soon as we're not yeah, I pull it right out of your ass.

Speaker 2 34:36

So so the which is where you know to fart, you know, to fart is human because, if you think about it, the only reason we fart and have a sound is because we have upright posture which makes our butt cheeks stick out over our, our anuses, and that's what makes the like, the resonance of the vibration, for a oh, you're just talking about the sound yeah, so like a deer deers are farting all the time, but you never you never.

Speaker 2 35:01

Yeah, yeah, but but I mean a true human rip. You know, yeah, that only happens because we have upright posture, which is a human feature, the upright posture of the great apes, well, and so the fart I'll throw a different is so human, it's a human behavior.

Speaker 1 35:15

I'll throw a different theory why we have noisy farts and other animals. Don't we have fleshy butt cheeks?

Speaker 2 35:22

that's because of the upright posture, but everyone else has furry butt cheeks oh, and so the dampens it for what?

Speaker 1 35:28

what you're hearing is like it's but they don't have.

Speaker 2 35:31

But she's flapping again. They don't look at. Look at even a gorilla. They don't have butt cheeks because they don't think I look at gorilla butts all the time when you're not around they don't I know you don't have to tell me anything about gorilla butts.

Speaker 1 35:41

I know, know, I'm going to lecture you about gorilla butt cheeks, because clearly you're thinking they have butt cheeks. I spend 95% of my day thinking about gorilla butt cheeks. Their butts just look like bony. You don't know what kind of arena you just stepped into you, just stepped into the arena. The gorilla butt arena.

Speaker 2 35:58

Oh boy, so baboons their butts puff out like red. Yeah, they got good butts, but that's not around their anus Like our. Our butt is the butt cheeks are right around the anus because of upright posture. Yeah, okay, dogs, no upright posture. They don't need these big, huge gluteus maximus muscles to pull up the spine vertical like ours does.

Speaker 2 36:23

So, yeah, okay, up the spine vertical like ours does, um, so, yeah, okay so the fart free bean would be a climate, a climate solution, because you're reduced, you could get more protein and stuff from beans instead of eating meat, which is a better the whole diet would switch over to more beans and people would be healthy, more sustainable as well.

Speaker 1 36:38

More sustainable and regrow.

Speaker 2 36:40

You can just grow beans doesn't hurt the nitration of the soil. You don't have to use many fertilizers. This would be a huge climate solution if you could just reach in to the bean.

Speaker 1 36:48

More dates go to Mexican restaurants.

Speaker 2 36:51

Yeah, you get more dates. Husbands would do better. Their wives would not be as bothered by their husbands.

Speaker 1 36:58

More wives. Everybody who likes beans Wives somehow evaporate.

Speaker 2 37:02

The farts seem to just evaporate out of them. I don't know how it works oh, is it magic they're.

Speaker 1 37:06

They're having to go to extra trouble for your, for your male privilege. They're having to go, are they? I don't think they squelch their farts in private. I don't know my, you don't think ladies fart?

Speaker 2 37:18

no, no, they do fart. I clearly they do, and I've heard them and they just not as big, as strong as not, not nearly as much, yeah, not nearly as much.

Speaker 1 37:25

Men are bigger stronger farters, they're better.

Speaker 2 37:27

I'm not saying that.

Speaker 1 37:30

We have just physically better butts.

Speaker 2 37:33

That's right. Well, something's going on that there's definitely more coming. I don't know why.

Speaker 1 37:37

But anyways it is.

Speaker 2 37:38

It's the patriarchy. This is the fartriarchy, scott. No, I just read the book I just read.

Speaker 1 37:48

I've just read a bunch. I just read I'm late for not this.

Speaker 2 37:50

Oh my gosh, uh, oh boy are you think you're gonna get canceled for the fartriarchy scott? I don't think so. No, I I just read. I just read all like a bunch of books about the patriarchy. I read the first one. The first one called creation of the patriarchy, and then I read another recent one called why Does Patriarchy Persist, and I was really learning about patriarchy.

Speaker 1 38:07

Why did you read the third one called how to Continue the Patriarchy, no Matter what? Then I did that. Whoa, that's a little suspect.

Speaker 2 38:14

How to Create the Fartriarchy which is the next goal here. No, I'll do another solution on the patriarchy. I think I have a solution for the patriarchy.

Speaker 1 38:21

I think I have a solution for the patriarchy to make it weaker right yeah, yeah, to get rid of it, okay, cool.

Speaker 2 38:27

No, it's bad it's bad for men and women but. I think we'll do a solution about the patriarchy later. I've kind of already done it a little bit, but I think we'll put a fine yeah, no, and you solved it because the patriarchy is gone.

Speaker 1 38:37

Last time I checked is no, it's still. Isn't that the book?

Speaker 2 38:40

was called, though the book I just read, called why is the patriarchy persists, is because they're like it still persists.

Speaker 1 38:45

Oh, but books take a long time. I thought maybe in between the publishing, and now it maybe had to evaporate.

Speaker 2 38:50

Well, you know but this episode is about the fat. The fart, not the fatriarchy.

Speaker 1 38:54

That's that fatness this is half patriarchy, half our triarchy. And what was the first half? Wait the third.

Speaker 2 39:01

We did three, three of them. We did workday fines and taxes, workday fines. Bail, fines and taxes could all be workday. Then the empty needle pain clinic. Empty needle, and then the fart triarchy. And then the fart triarchy the fart free bean.

Speaker 1 39:13

So we're saving you money, we're giving you pain and we're easing your farts.

Speaker 2 39:17

Yeah, well, the goal of the pain is to help mental illness, but yeah, you know, like grief and grief and coming of age, teenage angst and grief and who knows what else. Maybe transitional periods in your life, like when you're transitioning from one job to another, you should go to the pain clinic. A little bit might help you, because, uh, that's just what humans seem to be into. I don't know. Do you have a favorite bean?

Speaker 1 39:42

uh, fava beans are really good okay, yeah, those are the big ones, they're big yeah, they're really big and white.

Speaker 2 39:48

Okay, yeah, they're. They're very um silky. They have a silky texture. Oh, and I think their fart profile is pretty low. Their fart, their fp, their fc and their fp that's what I look, that's what I look for in a bean. You know what you need. The researchers need is a fart sommelier. That's what the fart researchers will need. Or you think they're just going to do it chemically? Who are we getting to train?

Speaker 1 40:17

There's a whole process of logic.

Speaker 2 40:19

You can determine chemically. They have electronic noses, you can use that to do it.

Speaker 1 40:24

Now if you told me we could train dogs for this like the same way they train dogs, they're like no, no, no, no, no. Stop getting these dogs that can smell cancer, Bring them over here. Bring them over here. See if they can Fewer of those which one of the beans we're going to teach them anymore now you smell bums.

Speaker 2 40:40

Now you smell bums. Yeah, perfect, it's the bombs to bums pipeline.

Speaker 1 40:47

That's it okay well, we did, some solutions. We did indeed. I think these are good solutions.

Speaker 2 40:54

I I stand by all three of these. Obviously, the empty needle is more of a hypothesis.

Speaker 1 40:58

We need more research and because you're standing by, you have no hair on your butt, cheeks because of that. So good job. It's the standing, it's the standing, oh yeah yeah, standing up.

Speaker 2 41:10

Well, we, well you know why we lost our hair, right human beings. Do you know why? Have you heard of the aquatic ape theory the aquatic.

Speaker 1 41:18

We lost our hair because we were in the water.

Speaker 2 41:21

That's the theory, that's, the theory of human evolution, is that we were swamp monkeys. Because if you throw a monkey, if you take a monkey who's like on all fours and you throw them in the water, what do they do? They go upright. I don't know.

Speaker 1 41:38

You left a space there like I would have an answer.

Speaker 2 41:40

Well, they float.

Speaker 1 41:41

You take a monkey you throw it in the water. You know what happens. Right? I'm like no, why? Yeah, if you throw them in shallow water.

Speaker 2 41:46

They don't stay forward like this, like with their head down in the water. They stand up and the float of the water lets them be upright and have upright posture. Oh Right, and so it's kind of like this indication. There's other the fact that we have no hair. If you look at like dolphins, whales, anything, any mammal that goes in the water, it has no hair. But if you see all mammals that are on land, they all have fur right, most of them, and then and then also the where we get blubber.

Speaker 1 42:13

So we have subcutaneous, so we so, if you see like a rhinoceros.

Speaker 2 42:17

They get all their fat under their muscle okay but if you look at like a dolphin or a whale, they get blububber, they get all their fat on the outside of their muscle to insulate against the water.

Speaker 1 42:27

And human beings get fat. On the outside Rhinos rarely need insulation from the cold water.

Speaker 2 42:32

Well, that's the thing the cold water, the cold of.

Speaker 1 42:33

Africa Right, or just the cold of their climate.

Speaker 2 42:37

But even if you go to woolly mammoths, they put all their fat underneath their muscle. Oh, okay, they put all their fat underneath their muscle and then the muscles on the outside, whereas you get blubber for water animals. And human beings have blubber. We have blubber on the outside, Not me bro. This skin this fat I'm working on that.

Speaker 1 42:52

Well, not you, but everyone else. Thank you very much, yeah.

Speaker 2 42:55

We also go in the bathtub too long. What happens? Your fingers change. Your fingertips, oh, they become gecko-y, they become better at grabbing in water? Is that why which means we actually are evolved to be able to use our hands in water better? It literally is an adaptive thing.

Speaker 1 43:17

Okay. Also, babies, when they're born right away, can swim instantly, that's right, they have this also, this reflex where they will like not, they will not breathe underwater right, they won't breathe underwater, they'll swim.

Speaker 2 43:33

Yeah, so human beings, there's all these indications that we are these sort of water monkeys, these I'll do it, I'll take it aquatic apes, all right yeah, so I believe it, you can. Next time you're seeing a bunch of kids peeing in the public pool, you the next time, the very next time, I go you aquatic apes. Also, when you look at the cost of how is it like the cost of land around lakes and bodies of water?

Speaker 2 43:55

yeah those aquatic apes, like they pay, they pay extra, you know, to get near the water. They like it. I grew up you're talking the wrong guy.

Speaker 1 44:03

I grew up in kansas no water. There's no water in kansas. People were like, how close are we to the basketball court? My man, oh yeah, that's, that's our proximity yeah, all right, man, all right.

Speaker 2 44:14

Thank you everybody for coming. Another successful week. Yeah, three solutions down, plus you get a little aquatic ape, a moose boosh, there at the end yes djs, steve, all right, everyone have fun.

Speaker 1 44:25

See you next, be safe, solve all the problems solve them all so that we have no more show. Keep it, then we're done that's right, we'll be done. That would be nice, actually we'll just talk about furiosa instead of like doing yeah we'd be totally become a movie podcast, then yeah I'm down anytime you want to pivot.

Speaker 2 44:42

I am easily convincible should we do some movie episodes? We could do that solutions, movies from the multiverse, and I did have one where I wanted to.

Speaker 1 44:51

I wanted to make you watch the movie cars because you hate cars so much. Oh god, I hate that. No, I don't watch it.

Speaker 2 44:57

I won't watch fast and furious, I won't watch cars, I won't watch anything very different movies, very different movies.

Speaker 1 45:02

No, they're the same. They all are just they're so different.

Speaker 2 45:04

They're all just aggrandizing this horrible violence of cult, this cultural violence that cars have. It's the same as like a gun violence. It's something that glorified gun violence. I wouldn't want to watch that either. Oh okay, you know, like john wick, I don't like john wick. It's just glorifies gun violence.

Speaker 1 45:19

Same thing cars glorifies car I feel like you're not allowed to watch fury road then, or furiosa, yeah, I mean that's.

Speaker 2 45:27

It's heavy cars are so the cars are so weird and also it's sort of saying don't cars got us in this situation, like it's sort of saying like climate change, it's not like, it's like we have these car.

Speaker 1 45:38

We have this car culture, but it's not exactly enviable exactly, it's not.

Speaker 2 45:42

It's not glorifying, it's not aspirational, no, you don. It's not glorifying car culture, it's not aspirational, no, you don't want to get to this level of car culture. Wait, you don't want to live in Mad Max? Okay, yeah, me personally. Come on, scott.

Speaker 1 45:54

I tried some of that silver spray paint. The taste not good. No, thank you.

Speaker 2 45:59

Witness me. All right, scott. All right, alright, take care, we can talk about it next time see you guys.

Speaker 1 46:08

Bye, no-transcript.